I Guess I'm Your Problem Now Idiot
by gothling14
Summary: It's five years after Camp ended Max isn't doing that great. He has the children's home he's stuck in under his thumb, but the fact he's there at all is not doing wonders for any of his issues. Good thing a loveable idiot is about to show up. A loveable idiot who, to be honest though, has no idea how to look after an emotionally damaged teenager. Doesn't mean he's not gonna try.
1. The Biggest Little Shit

Pastel green was a shitty color. No matter what Feng-Shui bullshit you might have heard about calming atmospheres and fresh grass; pastel green would never be a good color. It didn't look like grass. It didn't look like rolling hills. It looked like being inside a crayon, or trapped in some weird twisted cat in the hat version of the universe. It didn't look right on walls, which didn't help at all as Max already found sitting in the office at his most resent 'home for kids' unsettling enough as it was. He did not need bullshit wall paper that pealed around the edges adding to that particular mix.

"Max, I know this is going to seem harsh," Stacy Wells said with her overtly forced 'I'm on your side,' voice. "But we would prefer it if you didn't introduces yourself to the new foster parent coming in today."

"Oh wow, I wonder why." His sarcasm was as thick as the rims on her glasses.

"Well you see Max, the last few new carers you've interacted with-"

And he tuned out. Same song, same tune, blah blah blah. Some rattle about the fact he had put off the last four carers from ever fostering again, terrified a women to the point were she needed counseling after putting dead rats in all of her cupboards and on six separate occasions tried to hot wire foster parents' cars. He needed more experienced foster parents, ones who could deal with his 'special situation,' ones who could put up with a little shit like Max. Blah, fucking, blah.

"-So if you could just wait in your room we promise next Thursday a woman is coming in who is far more qualified to potentially take you in."

"Stacy, have I ever told you that I don't give a shit?"

"Well, um, yeas actually. On several-"

"I don't give a shit. However, this all sounds like some very dodgy work practice and rule bending. Come on Stacy, keeping a kid away from potential happiness? How's that gonna look to your supervisors?"

Stacy pulled off her glasses with a groan. Sharp elbows pressed into the table she leaned towards Max.

"Come on Stacy, do we really need to do this same song and dance every damn time."

"I'll do the usual hush deal, no more than that."

"Really? You wont budge a tiny bit higher? Even for your favorite little shit?"

Her hand clenched around the thick frames. A tick in her jaw. The papers crunching under her elbows. Oh yeah, he had this whole place under his thumb.

"One extra hour of TV a night, if your quiet and the other kids don't find out. The second anyone gets wind of this."

"I come crashing down. Yeah, yeah I know the drill. Just make sure this new loser doesn't wind up being a creep like the last one. I'm sick off kids come back more fucked up than when they left."

Max kicked his dirty boots alone the carpet as he left, flipping Stacy off at the door.

The social worker let her glasses fall limp in her hands. "Aren't we all." 

* * *

The long gravel road crunched under David's feet as he pushed himself down the drive. He could do this. He was going to be great at this. But gosh darn it he was just so nervous!

But it would be fine. Probably. Almost certainly. If he could handle the kids at Camp Campbell he could handle almost anyone. But teenagers? Teenagers would be different. Harder. Especially ones who almost certainly came from very difficult backgrounds.

It not like he had to chose the teenager to foster. He'd been assured there were plenty of eager kids at Mabel Abby, which the exited screeches he could hear in the air confirmed, but he had no idea which one of them would warm up to him. Who at the care home would want to share his home? And if that person so happened to be a teenager, by golly he would step up to the plate!

Even if the concept scared him to bits.

He wrapped his knuckles against the old battered plastic door, after spotting the doorbell hanging off the wall by its wires, and was instantly greeted by the huge smiling grins of two almost identical girls.

"Hi David. We've heard all about you!" The tiny blonds chirped in unison. "Would you like to see our stamp collection?"

What little angles! David crouched down to their level with a smile as big as his naive nature, and stuck his hands out for hand shakes. Each hand was instantly grabbed and he went sprawling froward onto the hard wooden floor with a thunk. A flurry of giggles swirled around his head as the insanely strong girls loomed over him.

"Every time," the girl on the left smirked. David rolled onto his back and noticed the blonds weren't the only kids gathered in the hallway, he was surrounded by giggling children from every walk of life. He had to hold back a grin as the scene reminded him so much of camp.

That could have certainly gone better. But it could have gone worse.

"Girls!" a shrill screech echoed through the halls, the children all scattered in every direction, some vaulting over furniture, as a short women with large glasses came skidding into view. "Oh my. Oh my Goodness I am so sorry. You must be David. David Greenwood. Let me help you up. Oh my gosh."

David chuckled to himself as the woman scrambled to pull him to his feet, but being half his height, she acted as more of a handrail for David to pull himself up with.

"Ah, you don't have to worry about a few little scamps misbehaving around me, miss-?"

"Stacy," she laughed, swatting away at Davids jacket to get the dust off it before he realized exactly how dirty that floor had been. "Miss Stacy. I'm in charge here. Or at the very least I try to be." She grinned widely, looking David up and down with eyes only a slightly deranged single women in her thirties could possess.

"Oh I certainly know what that's like, I was a camp councilor for a good few years a while back. Being in charge was always a bit of a compromise with most of the campers."

"Yes, it was in your file. You really seem to have a," Stacy leaned in with a grin, "passion, for helping those less fortunate than yourself."

David's heels bumped loudly against the now closed door as he backed away. "Well of course! Helping kids at Camp was the best time of my whole life, even if most of them didn't really want me too."

With an approving nod, Stacy began turned heel and headed towards her office, expecting David to follow.

"You'll certainly find that here, I can promise that."

* * *

"So you been band from meeting a potential parent again then shorty ?"

"Piss off Carry."

"Yeah but like, isn't this like the third foster pratt you've been told to avoid."

"Just proves I'm doing a better job of breaking mine down than you are loser," Max snorted, not bothering to kick the older girl out of his room. She was twice his size, but with half his brains.

"My last foster parent wound up in hospital!"

"Because they got into a car crash while you were at school. Stop trying to get people to believe you have any semblance of power Carry. It's sad."

"What's sad is your dumb bear."

"Fuck off Carry. Just fuck, right, off."

Carry groaned, but didn't shift from the door. In fact, she looked kind of pissed.

"Unless you can't?" Max commented, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Leave it nerd."

"Your been put on guard duty haven't you. You have to make sure I don't leave this room and screw up another foster parent that one of you precious fuck-tards could be using. That's it isn't it?"

Carry shifted against the door frame and started picking bits of paint off the wall with her nails.

"Come on. What's Stacy got you with? She gonna take away your pudding rights? No T.V for a month? God, she is the most easy woman to play in the country and she's got you by your non-existent balls."

"You know what dork, I'll just do this the easy way then," Stacy growled, slamming the door. It wasn't hard to guess from the loud scrapping that she was blocking the door with sometime. Probably a bookcase or a chest of draws. Not that it mattered. She could have used Mister Hunnynuts and the door wouldn't have been opened. The home was shit, but it was better than getting stuck with some lame try hards who wanted him to 'open up.'

Nothing would make him open that door.

Nothing at all.

"Abed! Leave the man alone!" Stacy's voice pireced through the walls. "Scissors are for paper!"

God this guy was so screwed.

"Woah their little buddy!"

Wait... what?

"Is that how you really want to introduce yourself to a potential new friend!"

Holy shit what?

"Carry!" Max yelled bolting off his bed to the door and slaming his fists against the wood. "Carry get over here right fucking now."

"What do you want shit stain?"

"What the new guys name?"

"What? Why the hell do you care?"

"For fuck sake Carry if you tell me I'll give you all my pubbing cups for a week."

"Three weeks."

"Sure whatever, shitting hell what's his name?"

"That was easy," she mumbled under her breath. "I don't know. I think its David or something? Some lame camping guy. Happy loser. Was that worth all you damn pubbing cups? Hey loser? If your not even listening then why'd you give me all you pubbing cups, moron."

Max wasn't listening. He was trying to climb out of the window.


	2. Falling Face First Into Hell

"So?" Stacy asked, drumming her pen against her desk with painfully wide eyes. Most days running a care home was hell, today it had been some twisted backwards hell were even the devil wound up getting a hot poker though the chest.

Almost all of the kids had taken one look at David and simultaneously thought to themselves 'easy target.' This had resulted in Stacy having to block a cascade of spit balls, stop numerous attempts to knock the man over, and foiling the attempts of three pick pockets. She wasn't even sure what the pick pockets hoped to gain, as far as she could tell all David had in his pockets was gum and miscellaneous camping equipment. And quite possibly a guitar?

Even the more laid back kids had jumped in on attempts to send David scampering for the hills. Sweet kids. Good kids who honestly wanted homes and loving foster parents. However, group mentality was a powerful thing and, well, even Stacy had a hard time not messing with David. He just seemed like such an... easy target.

"I've had a great time Stacy! You've really got a lot of lovable little rascals on your hands here. Really, just, so many..."

And there was the problem. The obvious problem David really should have seen coming. He wanted to foster them all. Every single one he wanted to load into the back of his car, pop on some fun tunes and ride off into the sunset. Every kid deserved to be loved, right? So how could he possibly pick just one child over the rest?

In David's eyes, he couldn't imagine anything crueler.

"Yes, I suppose there are a lot of kid. That is an observation," Stacy said, filling the sudden uncomfortable silence. "An observation that, um, you have just made? David? God, it's like my first marriage all over again."

"What? Oh, sorry there Stacy, my mind sort of lost track of me there."

"Yes, I'm aware."

"It's just," David looked out into the corridor, seeing kids run screaming happily down the halls, throwing balls, fighting over games consoles, "how am I possibly supposed to chose one of them."

Light the end of a chest infection advert, Stacy felt a huge weight lift off her chest.

"Oh my David, you've no need to worry about that. What do you think I'm here for! I pair up the perfect kids with the perfect parents. Don't you fret, I'll find you the best possible fit before the weekend," that should give her enough time to figure out which one of the kids here was least likely to set the guys apartment on fire. "Just come back in on Monday and I'll have everything straightened out."

"Really Stacy?" David beamed, this way she could chose the kid who would need him the most! It was exactly what he wanted! "That would be just fantastic. I'm sure which ever little tyke you pick will love coming to stay with me. And, just in case it helps you decide, remember I love camping."

Stacy's smile threatened to turn into a grimace, but she'd had enough practice to hold it.

"Yes David, you did mention." Thirteen times.

But who on earth could she chose who wouldn't try and make this poor guys life hell. A couple to the younger girls could make good candidates. Amie? Or Jessy? Maggie was still sobbing upstairs after being abandoned by a woman who had seemed interested in taking care of a child until she found out children require a moderate amount of effort. She could be perfect...

Then a sound pierced the office. A low, growly, all to familiar sound. It was usually followed by police or fire engines or an intensely out of hand food fight. What the hell was Max doing.

But, before Stacy could leap out of her chair and start trying to shield David from whatever shit was about to hit the fan, his head spun round like a peddle in the tour de France. Ouch. How did that not hurt.

Stacy jumped out of her chair so fast she sent it sprawling violently the floor.

"David if you could just-"

"Is that-"

"Follow me outside to the-"

"Max!"

"Max?"

And just like in some ridiculous cartoon, David was gone and a plume of smoke was all that was left in his place.

"How on earth do you know Max?" Stacy mumbled to no one, alone in her office.

Outside the front of Mabel Abby, Max had gotten himself into yet another moronic position. Last week he had gotten stuck on the roof, two months ago he had trapped himself inside the fridge. Somehow, this time was worse. This time, he found himself hanging out of his window, upside down, with only his trouser leg snagged against the window handle to hold him up. The handle was going to snap off. Or his trouser leg would rip. Or both, very soon.

Looking down, Max's stomach flipped as what originally looked like an easy one story drop, extended further and further away as his vision tunneled. Two stories. Four? Was that a rock below him? Why did the care home have huge sharp rocks lying around outside? It was almost like they didn't want kids jumping out windows.

His throat hurt from yelling what he could only assume was a string of profanities. He assumed he was still yelling, but with his vision going all wobbly and his head swelling with blood it was hard to tell.

Wait was someone else yelling?

"Max! Max, can you pull yourself back up?"

David?

"David, can you suck my dick?"

Yep, David thought, that was definitely Max.

"No I can't pull myself up you moronic ass, I'm upside down, my head feels like its about to explode and if I'm sick I'm gonna aim it at you."

Okay, well that helped to ease his stress somewhat. Something to focus on. Yelling at David. There was nothing quite like it.

"Okay, I'm gonna go get someone to-"

"No!" His trouser slipped slightly from the sudden movement as he reached out toward David. Okay, bad move. "I need you to catch me. I'm gonna fall any second and if you disappear inside and waste half an hour trying to get one of those assholes to help I'm gonna impale myself on that stupid rock. Why is there a god damn rock there in the first place? It looks like shit."

"Come on Max, I think it helps add to the natural setting surrounding the place! The tree, the flowers-"

"Oh God, screw it just let me die," Max mumbled as his fingers started to go numb.

"-the fresh air. Just because it's a rock doesn't mean it has any less value as all of the other things nature has to offer."

"Okay, I'm gonna shake my leg real hard now and you can either shut up and catch me or I can die. I really don't mind which happens at this point."

Catching a falling ten year old Max was easy. David remembered countless times he found the boy stuck up trees after following Nikki, or magically teleported to the top of the mess hall by Harrison. Catching ten year old Max was like catching butterflies. He weighed less than the platypus. But a fifteen year old Max? Being caught by a David who hadn't had to catch anything heavier than a stapler in years? Well, this was going to end terribly.

David jumped into position, arms outstretched and nerves more frayed that Max's sleeves.

"Um, okay. I'm ready Max!"

Reaching up to hold onto his legs in a semi fetal position first, Max tugged his leg down as hard as he could. A rip sounded through the air and then a rush. Fast wind pushed against him and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut. His bladder clenched against the free fall, bordering far to close for comfort against letting go. Don't piss your pants, don't piss your pants, for the love of fuck don't piss your pants. And then, he hit.

First David's arms, which didn't quite fold like jelly, but certainly something close to it, and then the rock. His fall was broken substantially but Max still felt stars dance behind his eyes as he rolled off the rock. Luckily, he had only taken one real hit, unluckily it was his head.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no, Max? Max are you okay? Are you conscious? Max, please speak to me!"

"Jesus David, shut up. Seeing as you literally just saw me nearly crack my scull open could you back off for like five seconds," Max growled.

"Oh, sorry."

Max rolled off the stupid ugly rock, head pounding, but not quite spinning, so it couldn't be that bad. Or at least, it wasn't as bad as some of the hits Max had taken. He reach his hand into his thick curly hair and felt around for blood, which thankfully wasn't there he thought with relief. The last thing he needed was another stint in hospital.

The feeling didn't last long though, because as soon as Max looked to David he suddenly lost felt cold. Maybe even, scared? Whatever resolve had sent him crawling out of an upstairs window vanished as soon as he was confronted with reality. David was standing in front of him. David was here. He was probably going to have to tell him everything. Five years of shit. Fuck.

"Are you okay?"

"What the hell, I just fell out of a literal window David, no I'm not okay."

It was so familiar. Spitting that name out with the same venom he'd always used. It was second nature.

"In hindsight, I guess that was kind of a dumb question. What I meant was, um. I mean that- Do you want me to go get something for your head? Like an ice pack?"

David's eyes dropped heavily to the floor as he spoke.

"No." Something was off. "No I'm fine." David wasn't being his normal peppy self, which was weird enough, but it was something else.

His old councilor looked different, somehow. The obvious change was the clothes. No camp councilor uniform. No yellow bandanna. Just, jeans and a T-shirt. Plain jeans. Plain T-shirt. That was also unnerving, but that wasn't it either.

"What are you doing here? You didn't like, hunt me down after all these years or something weird and creepy like that right?"

"No," David smiled softly, but that wasn't right either. It wasn't a David smile. "I'm actually here because I'm becoming a foster parent. I figure, I wasn't the best camp councilor in the world but I liked helping. Or, at least trying to help. You know, for kids who needed it. So I looked into some options and," he spread his arms out awkwardly, "here I am."

This was very off. Max was getting a weird uncanny valley feelings from this whole encounter and it was totally throwing him off. Well, that and the potential concussion. David wasn't leaping all over the place. He wasn't trying to sweep Max into what he had planned to pretend was an unwelcome hug. He wasn't even talking as fast as usual.

Was he... Unhappy to see Max?

"So, you showed up here by pure coincidence. Well, fuck me I guess the univsre really does work in mysterious ways."

"I guess it does," David said, finally remaking eye contact.

And like a deer in head lights, Max swallowed hard as he froze. David just wanted to help someone who could be helped.

"Who you planning on fostering then? If its Carey let me just wish you some luck because that girl just generates fucking chaos. Not even on purpose, it just happens around her and she tries to take credit for it."

Max didn't notice, but a look of concern crossed David's face.

"Definitely don't pick George. He's an idiot and a racist and a pyromaniac. I'd recommend Maggie, but the girl is so scared of bugs I'm pretty sure the second you mention camping she''ll just flip her shit."

"Actually," David interrupted, "I haven't decided yet."

"Oh. Okay." Abort, abort. "Well, yeah if you need any advice about who's a little shit and who isn't you should come to me. I gotta know what the other kids are like so I can stay on top. Ya know how it goes."

"Okay." David said, but Max really wasn't selling what he was saying. David watched as he backed away as he spoke. Small steps. Clutching his frayed and rumbled sleeves.

Then Stacy showed up. Fucking Stacy.

"David, are you out- oh." Her faced twisted into a scowl at the sight of two very uncomfortable looking boys (and yes she considered David more of a boy than man by this point due to his incomprehensible naivety). "So, you two have met before?"

"Yes, I used to be Max here's Camp Councilor when I worked at Camp Campbell. Isn't he just the best."

"Best... Is certainly a word."

The over enthusiasm was back with full force, but something was still wrong. Very wrong. Then it clicked.

All of David's hyperactivity was gone. Like someone had pieced his back and drained him dry. He was just so, still. So unbearably still. Back at camp, the over enthusiastic councilor was always moving; erratic gestures, pacing around the camp, bouncing his leg up and down as he sat, shaking the whole table god damn table. But not now.

"Sup Stacy. I fell out the window just to let you know. Some real bad health and saftey practices going on round here."

Stacy pressed her hands together hard in front of her face, eyes flicking, like a fish escaping a shark, between Max and David. This was very, very bad.

"Max, dear, could you please go inside for a moment. We can 'discuss' this later. Okay sweetie."

She made sure to say discus in a way that clearly meant 'negotiate bribery.'

"Pfft, whatever," Max replied. "Later David." He half heartedly waved his hand and set off towards the door.

"Sorry but," David interrupted, "I was kind of hoping Max would let me take him out for a pizza?"

The gravel under Max's feet crunched as he faltered to a stop, but he didn't turn around.

"I mean, if that's okay with you?"

Stacy's hands started to turn white as she squeezed them harder. In an octave only archived by distressed cats and over worked social workers she replied, "Of course! As a legally approved foster parent interested in fostering a child I legally can't stop you! As long as Max agrees of course!"

David turned to Max who still hadn't turned around.

"Max? We don't have to go if you don't want to. Its totally up to you, and I understand if you don't want to. I'm not exactly your favorite person in the world."

He had to hold back a laugh, it seemed David wasn't aware just how much Max was capable of hating everyone else. And how much everyone else had screwed him over. But he didn't laugh. Instead, he kicked the dirt under his feet. "Sure. Whatever."

Stacy almost passed out, seeing stars behind her eyes as what felt like a fire alarm started blasting inside her head. "Okay then! I guess David, the nice new foster parent is taking you out to pizza, Max! The nice, new, currently untraumatized foster parent! I hope you're on your best behavior for this nice, lovely man Max!"

"Fuck off Stacy," Max said, completely without emotion. "I'm gonna go get my phone, then we can go."

David went to enthusiastically reply, but he caught Max's eyes and it died in his throat. All that came out was a soft, "my cars just down the drive."

"Cool," Max said, disappearing back inside.

Whatever had happened in the last five years, David hoped it didn't match up with any of the things he imagined.


End file.
